One Foot In Front of the Other

I've already begun to dread the holiday season...Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's Eve.  Grief rolls back into my life like a heavy fog.  I have to remind myself to walk with my back straight - I feel myself slump off and on all day long. I know there are other folks like me out there.  The constant parade of commercials depicting families joyfully celebrating; the music that seems to never, ever end;   these remind me of what I've lost.  I could make a list of my losses, but that's not the point of this post.  What I've realized is that the dread of the holidays is much worse than the actual celebrating of them.  I find so much joy in our families.  Kenny's brother and sister-in-law will be nearby this Christmas, and we'll be able to see them much more often in the years to come.  My extended family gets together at Thanksgiving, and we always have a great time.    Christmas Eve services at our church comfort us in...

The grief and sadness of losing and missing Lacy hits at odd times.  I think I'm doing well, have moved past some of the worst of the pain, when a song, or a memory hits me and I'm weeping.  I've learned to let my tears flow.  The tears seem to heal the pain, and if I let myself feel the loss, I'm able to move on with my day once the worst of the sorrow is over. We never get over our loss, but we get accustomed to the loss, and the hole in our hearts is not quite so tender. I have so many Facebook friends who are experiencing that loss right now as their children, husbands, wives, mothers, fathers, siblings are dying from Huntington Disease.  As I read their posts I feel afresh the pain of losing inch by inch the person you love.  I remember how burying a child is impossible to fathom, even as you sit across from the closed casket.  I cannot imagine the pain of losing nearly everyone you love to this disease - sometimes your spouse and all your child...

Note to readers:  I have edited this post because I realized I did not include the meaning I felt  upon seeing the fallen pictures.  My edited comments are in italics below.    May 28, 2018. The day was beautiful.  Sunshine and green leaves and grass everywhere, perfect for a trip to Decatur and Falling Springs Cemetery. I'd bought flowers for our immediate family graves:  Lacy, Mom, Dad, and my infant brother, George Edward. My brother, Dave, came with Kenny and I.  We drove the 20 minutes together to Falling Springs and placed the flowers near the resting places of each of our loved ones.  I never feel that they are "there" but I am so grateful that we have a place to go and reflect on their lives and the love we shared with each other.  The little Nativity I had put on Lacy's stone was still there after 6 months.  We moved it over and placed our small offering of love and remembrance next to the tiny creche. I brought a...

Four weeks from today will be two years since we lost Lacy. I keep getting reminders on my Facebook feed of the last few weeks of Lacy's life.  The last year, I took a picture of him every week.  I wanted to make sure I could remember him, and the good - and bad - times we had together. I feel a sense of dread about May 28.  I am thankful that it falls on Memorial Day, so we will not have to go to work.  I am also thankful that we took every opportunity to spend time with him.  The last time was 5pm on May 27, 2016.  Nine hours later, he was gone. As I drove away from the nursing home that evening, a scripture popped into my head:  ...that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection... (Philippians 3:10) That power has sustained us for nearly two years.

I know I said I would be writing more this year, but just haven't had the heart.  It seems I start a post only to feel that it's just too banal. What do I write about now that the reason my blog came to be was the journey the three of us - Lacy, Kenny, and I - were taking through this unpredictable life?  Our Lacy has gone home to be with Jesus, and Kenny and I are here trying to discover what life without Lacy is supposed to be. I keep thinking...Lacy is in the rear view mirror.  He's getting farther away every day.  Time is healing our wounds, and we are finding new interests and thinking about the rest of our lives, but the ache never goes away. We've found a new interest - Audio Theater - specifically the Northwest Arkansas Audio Theater.  This is old time radio with an audience.  Our group performs plays with just scripts and barebones costuming.  Like Reader's Theater.  Kenny and I have been in four plays now, and I am directing Treasu...