I know I said I would be writing more this year, but just haven't had the heart. It seems I start a post only to feel that it's just too banal.
What do I write about now that the reason my blog came to be was the journey the three of us - Lacy, Kenny, and I - were taking through this unpredictable life? Our Lacy has gone home to be with Jesus, and Kenny and I are here trying to discover what life without Lacy is supposed to be.
I keep thinking...Lacy is in the rear view mirror. He's getting farther away every day. Time is healing our wounds, and we are finding new interests and thinking about the rest of our lives, but the ache never goes away.
We've found a new interest - Audio Theater - specifically the Northwest Arkansas Audio Theater. This is old time radio with an audience. Our group performs plays with just scripts and barebones costuming. Like Reader's Theater. Kenny and I have been in four plays now, and I am directing Treasure Island for performance in June. We have a great partnership with the Arts Center of the Ozarks in Springdale.
Kenny and I have been going to counseling to work through our grief, and it has been very good for both of us. Not only are we dealing with our grief in a healthy way, we are also taking time to work on our own emotional and mental well-being in general. I'd recommend this for anyone walking through the valley of the shadow. So much comes to the surface when dealing with grief and it helps to be able to talk to someone who can offer suggestions to lay aside the guilt and regret that naturally comes with the loss of a child.
In my personal spiritual life, I've been journaling. I try to write every day, even if it's just a little bit. I'm also in the process of writing a devotional study of Psalms 139. This is a chapter that has meant a lot to me personally for many years, and has given me peace when I have to confront hard times. I think it will take me a while. I have felt for a long time that I had to have it all together to write something like this, but I think the point is that I'll never have it all together this side of glory and that's part of the process. I don't know this will be something I'll try to publish, or just to do for myself. Time will tell.
In the last month, I've been thinking a lot of what it must be like for Lacy in heaven. Especially since I went to see the movie I Can Only Imagine, I've been thinking of that moment when Lacy was suddenly freed from all the chains that bound him here. I think Lacy was one of the rare people who probably just settled in - happy to be home at last and eager to tell Jesus all about his joy.
If you are like me, you sometimes wonder what it's really like in eternity. We catch quick glimpses here and there, but nothing that can be grasped and examined. Without that tangible proof, how do we really know? I was reminded this week of Hebrews 11:1 - Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Our faith is the proof, the tangible proof, of the promise of eternal life.
I am so comforted by the words of the Psalmist: O Lord, You have searched me and known me. You know when I sit down and when I rise up; You understand my thought from afar. You scrutinize my path (or my journeying!) and my lying down, and are intimately acquainted with all my ways. (Psalms 139:1-3) God sees me and He knows how I feel, how uncertain I am, and He knows my journey - where I've been and where I'm going.