Losing and Gaining

When I experienced the loss of my mother, I felt as though I was losing so much.   I think any family dealing with a chronic or terminal illness knows the feeling.  So much has been lost already.  Must I continue to experience loss?

With HD, there is so much loss.  Loss of future; loss of dreams; loss of function; loss of your place in the world going from parent, child, spouse, or friend to caregiver. Loss of self.

With all this loss, is there any wonder that we cry out with anger?   Does God know or see or even care?  Are we alone in this?  Do we have any hope at all?

Here is the wonder of God and His love and compassion; he welcomes these cries.  He knows about suffering.  When we have cried and raged and blamed, there comes a moment of stillness.  God does see, He does know, He does care for us.

My sister weaned my nephew when he was almost 2 years old.  He cried and whined and begged.  She could not even hold him because he was so insistent.   The day came when the whining and the begging stopped, and she could hold him again.  Gone was the frantic little boy and here was a calm child in his mothers arms.  I find myself sometimes feeling that something must change now something must be done.  I must be able to do something.  When that feeling finally goes, and the calm comes, there is a hope that begins to spring up in its place.

Psalm 131
Oh Lord, my heart is not proud, nor my eyes lofty,
Nor do I involve myself in great matters,
Nor in things too difficult for me.
Surely I have composed and quieted my soul;
Like a weaned child rests against his mother,
My soul is like a weaned child within me.
O Israel, hope in the Lord
From this time forth and forever.

We do lose, but we also gain.  We gain a perspective that God is here and He will not leave us.  We gain a peace and a hope that passes understanding.  We appreciate every day and every minute.  We know that life is fleeting and that wasting it crying and begging is not the answer.  Living is the answer.  Trusting God is the answer.  We gain that quiet peace that can only come after the storm, when we are able to feel God's presence again and are content with Him.


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