Doctor Appointment Drama

Thanks to Huntington's Disease, time with Lacy is always marred by anger and frustration.  He is struggling to make sense of a world gone mad as the synapses in his brain are scrambled and destroyed. Took Lacy to Dr. today.   On our way to the appointment, Lacy apologized for "The bad things I have done to you in the past, present, and in the near future."  Everything was going great.  Then we went to Sonic.  Apparently, one Route 44 drink is not sufficient.  The police were "called."  I was arrested and convicted by the Judge for making evil threats.   I don't react when this is happening, but the knife goes in and twists anyway.  I try not to wince at the pain, but I can only pretend for so long.  You'd think I'd get used to the mood swings and anger.  I tried not making eye contact - that worked for a while.  He kept asking "Why don't you do what I say?  Answer me!!"   Rolled down the window of the car, stuck his head out and yelled "Police!  I need some help here!"  Yes I was driving at the time.  No hugs and kisses for me today.   Nothing to do but come home, sit and stare at something.

I am thankful I don't live with him 24 hours a day, and I am ashamed that I am thankful.  I should suffer with him, and my life should be destroyed just as his life is being taken.  A mother gives her life.  A mother sacrifices and dies for her child.  I could die, but it wouldn't save my child.  I can't save my child with a thousand deaths.

I rant and rave in my mind on days like these.  Sometimes I cry, but not for long.  I finally stop and pray a prayer of silence.  I have no words, and words mean nothing anyway.  A peace comes to me - that peace that passes understanding - and I am calmed.  No matter what I do, no matter how I pray, I can't change the train that is slowing making its way down the track to eventually collide with us.  I can't stop the train, but I don't have to keep listening for the whistle either.  Better get up and get going.



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