Almost 2020 - Your chance to weigh in!

A new year is nearly here, and I realize I have not written in six months.  This is what I can tell you about why.

When I started this blog, I was writing about our family, and our journey together.  We are a family created by design, not by chance.  For one thing, both Kenny and I believe that we were meant to be together.  For another, we both believe we were created, in part, to be Lacy's parents.

No, Lacy was not our child biologically, but he was ours in every sense of the word.  I don't think we could have loved him any more fiercely.  And I think, without the knowledge that he was both our blessing and our mission, we would not have been able to continue to love fiercely and also prepare to let go.

We guided him into adulthood, and he gave us insight into what was really important.  We learned to be in the moment.  Every day is the best it's going to be.  God is good.  His amazing love has given us the promise of life beyond death, and the joy of knowing that He will work all things together for good.

Don't get me wrong.  I don't believe that "God never gives us more than we can handle."  Quite the contrary, we often have more than we can handle.  But God has promised to be our strength when strength is gone.  I also don't believe that" everything happens for a reason." There probably is a reason that everything happens (cause and effect) but the fact is, bad things happen to all of us, and sometimes there is no "reason." We suffer and triumph.  We fall and get back up.  But we do it by leaning on God and His love, His promises, and His strength.  We are given gifts and suffer great loss.  These facts of life on this earth do not diminish God and His love.

Yes, we suffer.  Every day, I think of Lacy.  I have dreams that I am looking for him, but I can't find him.  I dream he dies over and over again.  Sometimes he talks to me in my dreams and tells me he is ok.  Sometimes in my dreams I beg him to come back.

There is an emptiness now that will never quite be filled.  Kenny and I often talk of how we feel that we lost our little family when Lacy died.  Picture a home, filled with joy and happiness, but one of the rooms - a favorite of everyone - is closed and cannot be entered.  That is the feeling that losing a child gives parents.  There is still love and laughter, but the house is smaller and a little sadder for the loss of the favorite room.

Now, I wonder what to write about.  I feel as though I am still finding my footing in this new reality.

I subscribed to a blog several years ago called "Little Seal."  It was written by a mother whose child was dying from Tay-Sachs disease.  When he finally succumbed to the disease, he was four years old.  After his death, there were only one or two blog posts.  I wondered what happened to Little Seal's family.

So I guess I wanted to update the loyal readers.  We are still here.  Our lives have changed so much.  We are nearing retirement - Kenny will go part time in the new year, and I will retire from my teaching position in May of 2021.  We will be working on figuring out what that looks like.

I hope to write again soon, but I have to figure out what I'll write about.  What would you like to know?  Post a comment and let me know what you want to hear about our lives - moving forward after loss, faith after loss, retirement and reinvention?

I hope to be back soon.


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