One Foot in Front of the Other
The holiday season is upon us, and I find myself at odds with the festivities surrounding these next couple of weeks. I've vacillated between being joyful and feeling great sadness. Kenny and I talked about this today, and he's felt the same way.
I think that loss is felt so keenly at this time of year, because the focus is on getting together with loved ones, having a great time, giving and receiving gifts. Our family's traditions are changing. Huntington's Disease has robbed us of so much. Lacy is unable to come home. Leaving the facility in which he lives upsets him so much, and he just doesn't care about holidays much anymore. During the Christmas holidays we used to bring Lacy home for at least a week. We'd put together jigsaw puzzles and watch episodes of Matlock on TV. On Christmas morning we'd have biscuits and gravy. Lacy would play Santa and give out all the presents.
This year, Kenny and I will eat Christmas breakfast at home, then travel to the nursing home to open gifts. Lacy might be in a good mood, but might not. He's been sending Kenny "to jail" lately. It could be my turn tomorrow.
The funk I've been in has lifted somewhat. It helps to remember the real reason we celebrate Christmas. I know there is a lot to be thankful for, and it gives me peace to list those things in my mind. I don't feel giddy with Christmas cheer. I feel content with God. I am finding rest in His peace.
I find that it's ok not to be all Christmasy. I'll clean the clutter that has accumulated on my table this last couple of weeks, run the vacuum and the dishwasher, catch up on laundry, and spend time with Lacy, Kenny, and our dogs. I'll be thankful for the time we have, pleasant or unpleasant. I'll feel grateful for all my blessings. I'll put one foot in front of the other.