Finding Strength in What Remains

Today I ate lunch with Lacy at his apartment.  He was glad to see me, but was fatigued and sat on his sofa for a long time.  I love sitting with him and just watching his face.  I love hugging and kissing him, although it is not often that he lets me do both.

While at his apartment, one of the staff members and I began to chat.  Donna has known Lacy for several years.  She watched as he came to the community center, picked up his plate, and walked out and back to his apartment.  He really didn't want to stay there and talk to me.  He was going to eat and then lie down.  

I walked back and forth a couple of times, but he just wasn't interested in talking to me.  So I asked if he wanted me to leave now.  

Without any anger he said "Yes."  I don't think about how sad it is that I can't sit and talk with him.  I try to enjoy the time I have, and not dwell on what I don't have.  

So I walked back to the community center to tell everyone goodbye.  Donna was at the door.

"It hurts, doesn't it?"  She sad it matter-of-factly.

Yes it does.

I don't know why...I get angry, but the anger that I feel only keeps me from embracing what I have.  I keep telling myself that I will have plenty of time to be angry and sad later.  Right now we can still talk to our boy, still visit and spend time with him, if only briefly.

Keeping an attitude of thankfulness helps so much.  I try to spend time thanking God for what I have, the time we are able to spend with Lacy, and for the wonderful people who care for him.  He still has an independent life - it is what we wanted for him - and he likes his life.  He is happy.  

I find a lot to identify with in this poem by Wordsworth:

Splendour in the Grass

What though the radiance
 which was once so bright
 Be now for ever taken from my sight,
 Though nothing can bring back the hour
 Of splendour in the grass,
 of glory in the flower,
 We will grieve not, rather find
 Strength in what remains behind;
 In the primal sympathy
 Which having been must ever be;
 In the soothing thoughts that spring
 Out of human suffering;
 In the faith that looks through death,
 In years that bring the philosophic mind.

-- William Wordsworth

Our family finds strength in what remains behind.  What remains is God's promise of love and comfort and a life beyond this one.  As Corrie Ten Boom said, "With Jesus, even in our darkest moments, the best remains, and the very best is yet to be."