New Year, New Way of Thinking.

The new year started today, and with it the predictions and anticipation of what will happen this year.  I find that anticipating is somewhat problematic for my family.  Alan is much better beginning the new year than he was at Thanksgiving, but still having daily outbursts and fits of paranoia.  As one of the residential managers at Alan's group home said last week, "This is our new normal."

I found myself today struggling with the desire to be upbeat and excited about the new year, but not able to conjure up any such feelings.   Yes, Alan is out of the hospital and is better, but the specter of what is still there, still wreaking havoc in his brain, can't be dispelled.  I feel a heaviness, a sober understanding of what we are facing.  I can't breathe that sigh of relief that goes with a loved one leaving the hospital to go home.

My choice is to strive for that feeling of well-being - which I think is impossible to achieve right now - or to realize that this serious mindset is part of the journey that we must go through.  Our family still laughs together, and we can still coax a smile out of Alan from time to time.    I am beginning to understand that this is not a failure.

We are walking by faith, not by sight.  It doesn't seem that there is a way through this, but I have faith that the way will be there, the road will be made smooth, the path will be clear.  I can accept this new way of feeling and thinking.  God knows what's ahead.


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